ode to the Modern Man ...

I’m a modern man,

a man for the millennium,

digital and smoke-free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist.

Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded,

I’ve been inputted and outsourced,

I know the upside of downsizing,

I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m new wave, but I’m old school,

and my inner child is outward bound.

I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable.

I interface with my database,

and my database is in cyberspace,

so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive,

and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,

riding the wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope.

I’m on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.

I got no need for coke and speed,

I got no urge to binge and purge.

I’m in the moment, on the edge,

over the top, but under the radar.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies,

I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I’ve got a personal trainer,

a personal shopper,

a personal assistant,

and a personal agenda.

You can’t shut me up,

you can’t dumb me down.

‘Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless,

I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.

I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk, headcase.

My output is down, but my income is up.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive,

user-friendly, and lactose-intolerant.

I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.

A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested,

clinically-proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked,

pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved,

pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried,

double-wrapped, vacuum-packed,

and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I take it slow, I go with the flow,

I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride.

I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.

I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.

- George Carlin, edited by me